Wednesday, August 27. 2008

A Public Service To Mexican Narcos

Recently, the Mexican drug cartel sent out an official memo (probably something classy with a fancy letterhead) allowing it's hit men to kill people in the United States. As a public service to the Narcos, we here at Simple Minded Entertainment have created a list of people they should kill here in the U.S. Killing these people won't improve their business, but America will love them for it. And any large organization, no matter how criminal it can be, can use a little good publicity.

North American Narco Hit List To Improve Public Relations

MICHAEL CHERTOFF

He looks like he's dying. But he's an evil nazi skeleton with diabolical powers.

Michael Chertoff is the Supreme Douchebag of the Department of Homeland Security. Through his Nazi tactics, he hopes to create a giant police state in North America. In addition to being a student of Hitler, Chertoff also enjoys wasting large amounts of money on worthless "security" projects like the border wall that will do absolutely nothing to stop the flow of drugs and/or terrorists into America. Shooting him today would be like someone shooting Hitler or Stalin in the 1920s. With this hit, you Mexican narcos will cement your place as heroes of the people.

LOCATION: Michael Chertoff lives in Potomac, Maryland. You can kill him there.

RYAN SEACREST

The combination of Ryan Seacrest and an MMA-style T Shirt created a critical mass of douchiness that almost destroyed the world.

As we speak, Ryan Seacrest's empire is expanding across the world like some sort of fungal infection on the face of the Earth. He is the patron saint of no talent hacks who get lucky and make it big and he must be stopped. Everyone in America will love you if you get this hit done. He also has a top 40 radio show and he has never played any Narco-Corridas or any songs from Amanditita. Doesn't that make you mad, if anything kill him for that.

LOCATION: He lives in Hollywood, California. Just look for the biggest douche in California. It sounds like finding a needle in a haystack, but you can't miss him.

ASHTON KUTCHER

God, I wish that bear were a stick of dynamite.

I don't need to explain this one. Just see any one of his movies or shows and you'll want him dead too. Just promise that you will make his death very long and painful, that's the least you can do.

LOCATION: You can also find him on the streets of Hollywood hanging out with Ryan Seacrest as they try to out-douche each other. Bonus points if you can eliminate them both at the same time.

LOU DOBBS

Lou Dobbs showing off the theatrical hand gestures that go over like gangbusters at the Klan meetings.

The biggest racist in America is also the most untalented person on TV. How the hell does he even have his own show on CNN? Oh right, he's Ted Turner's bitch. His devotion to partisan journalism and his shunning of fact-checking makes Simple Minded Entertainment look like a bastion of journalistic integrity in comparison, something that is virtually impossible to do. Because of his global business views, Lou Dobbs can be labeled an "isolationist" or "a crazy old man who rambles on about things that don't make any real economic or social sense". He is also known as the founder of space.com and various scat/skat sites including poopylove.com.

Few people outside the KKK like him, so consider this a mercy kill.

LOCATION: When not leading various Klan rallies throughout the southeast and Arizona (Dixie of the Southwest), Dobbs resides on a 300-acre horse farm in Sussex County, New Jersey where he runs his massive outer space and scat online empire.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS / DALLAS COWBOYS / UT-AUSTIN LONGHORNS

This is the only bearable picture of Ben Penisburglar and the Steelers that I could find.

Pussywhipped AND wearing a Led Zeppelin T-Shirt like a true poser, this kid is the total package! Hold on to him hard, Dallas.

Corndogs aren't the only phallical objects that the UT-Austin Longhorns and their fans insert into their orifices before, during, and after the "big" games.*

Football season is starting and I really don't like these teams and I'm sure many other people don't like them as well. They have no redeeming value and their fans are a bunch of douchebags. These teams also consume a lot of drugs, so you'll be entirely justified if you order a hit on them.

LOCATION: Shitsburgh, Shithole Dallas, and Turd Factory Austin. I recommend some sort of explosive or maybe a Gatling gun.

* I think I'm being a bit too subtle. I'm implying that the UT-Austin Longhorns and their fans suck cock and love cock in all forms.

Posted by Duckrunner in Rant at 21:21 | Comment (1) | Trackbacks (0)

Last modified on 2008-08-28 12:23

Sunday, August 24. 2008

Simple Minded Video Champagne Room - "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the Simple Minded Video Champagne

Room, your daily source for super sexy music videos from today and

times gone by. Let's face it, MTV is dead and the internet is the only

place to get your video fix. If pitchfork.tv is the new MTV, think of

us as the new VH-1. Sure they have all the hip new music, but we have

old videos that we get off (Insert Internet Video Site Here i.e.

YouTube, YouPorn, etc.) and poorly written comedy - just like VH-1. If

anything else, at least consider us the online version of those poor

quality late night public access shows that have videos.

Katy Perry, my summer would not have been complete were it not for you, and now I feel the need to defend you and your ~~mildly decent~~ song and video from America's angry bloggers who seem to be hating on your song for no apparent reason. Actually, they have every reason to not like it, but the simple (and subtle?) suggestion of the lyrics sends a powerful message: More cute girls should get together and kiss. Its just so awesome when pretty girls kiss each other, and I don't care about the complaints that homosexual, Christian, and music activists have put forward against this masterpiece of a song. Katy, your song rocks.

As for the video, it has a bunch of burlesque-clad ladies having some sort of a slumber party, and that is cool, but the big dissapointment is that no girls ever kiss. On top of that, the sexy party turns out to be just a dream! The video is good, though, and Katy and the other ladies look really cute and that is enough in my book. Oh, and my favorite parts of the video are seconds 2 and 4. I wonder what's under the bed?

Posted by The King in Music at 19:18 | Comments (3) | Trackbacks (0)

Last modified on 2008-08-28 10:59

Friday, August 15. 2008

The New Face of the Keystone Cops: FBI, BORDER PATROL, AND HOMELAND SECURITY

These are the faces of the brave men who are currently fighting the big bad monsters known as "Terrorism" and "Drugs". God help us all, if the drugs and terrorist don't get us I'm pretty sure these morons will accidentally shoot us.

Earlier this week, UTEP hosted a large border security conference featuring many important people from the ranks of the FBI, Homeland Security, Border Patrol, and various other phantom fighting organizations.

The El Paso Times covered the first day and their headline sums up what Robert S. Mueller III had to say during the conference. "FBI chief: Drugs fuel crime" - No shit, drugs fuel crime. But I think they could be more specific, profit generated from drugs fuel crime. The drugs themselves don't fuel anything. It's the fact that the government has made them illegal and ultra cash cows that causes all this violence. It also lowers the quality of drugs, which kills even more people, because in order to make more money the drugs are cut with "real" poisons that actually kill people.

So who's to blame for all this violence and uneasiness? America is solely responsible for everything that is happening. Not only does our "War on Drugs" increase the price of drugs making the drug lords even richer, we're also responsible for all the weapons in Mexio. The article states, "... 90 percent of all illegal weapons
seized in Mexico are from the United States, mostly from the four
Southwestern states. "Two-thirds of them were traced back to Texas,". 90 PERCENT! Good God, what the fuck is the ATF doing? Are they scratching their balls or something. And shouldn't Border Patrol and Customs help out with that too. Or are they too busy stopping all those deadly illegal immigrant tomato pickers or those Phantom Terrorist which I'm told will one day be coming in from Mexico. Our Homeland Security is a joke set up only to impress those backwater hicks in the central part of the country who have no comprehension of a border beyond their rusted barb wire fences and to line the pockets of policy makers in Washington and their elitist enclaves in the east coast.

But the biggest joke of all is the American drug policy. All these "Law Enforcement Heroes" are nothing more than hypocrite Alcohol-Eaters who support and bow to the most dangerous drug of all - alcohol. They go to their little cop bars or have a little social cocktail and support an industry that kills more than 75,000 Americans a year. Then they go out and chase after the "monsters" who do heroin or smoke weed. Let me tell you something, even if Heroin were legal and you gave a free sample to everyone in America - it would never be responsible for the deaths of more than 75,000 people a year like alcohol. These Alcohol-eaters make me sick, and their policies in regards to other drugs is just disgusting. Alcohol is responsible for the majority of all the violent crime in this country, yet somehow heroin and cocaine are the monsters. Our law enforcement is just a bunch of Keystone cops chasing their tale. And it is these stupid policies that are causing this violence in Mexico and are creating dangerous environments in America's inner cities.

To me, the most shocking statement from this article is the following, "Despite what may seem like a formidable battle,
some officials noted that Mexico's crackdown on the cartels, which also
has resulted in the deaths of numerous police and innocent people, has
slowed the flow of drugs into the United States and has increased the
drugs' cost on the retail market." What a bunch of racist crap from Washington. I'll paraphrase what Washington's stand on the cartel violence and drugs is: "Who cares if innocent Mexicans are dying. As long as we can stop poor Johnny from Iowa from getting his hands on Marijuana, more Mexicans should die. The goal is to keep drugs from reaching America. Even though it should be a parent's responsibility to teach their kids about drugs and even though the government shouldn't be involved in what adults choose to put into their bodies. The government will do everything in it's power to support the interests of the alcohol and tobacco industry. The last thing the two most dangerous drugs in the world need is more competition from far less damaging drugs. Besides, the alcohol and tobacco lobbyists have the US government in their pockets and we really like money. So in closing, Washington would like all the Mexicans to die if it keeps drugs away from our cities and keeps hard working Americans from wasting their money on booze and cigarettes." Fascist bastards.

The funniest thing about all this, though, is that they act like the price of drugs going up is a good thing. Exactly, that's what we need. Let's increase the profit margin on drugs, I'm sure less people will get involved in the drug trade when that happens.

Look, I don't do drugs. So I'm not one of those hippie douchebags who want to legalize weed because of their so-called notion of "freedom". So you're probably wondering if I fully support the legalization of drugs and why would I care? To answer the first part - You damn right I support the legalization of drugs - ALL DRUGS! As for the second part, the deadliest of all drugs is alcohol. And as long as I see cops in their cop bars, FBI agents tossing back a few at a barbeque, Border Patrol agents smoking a cigarette on their break and Congressmen having a "social" cocktail - I consider their words nothing more than the banter of hypocrites. If the government can find a place for Alcohol and Cigarettes, the two biggest real monsters in this world. They can find a logical solution to let the other so-called monsters they call "hard drugs" be a part of our commerce and drive these son of a bitch Narco Drug Lords out of business.

"FBI chief: Drugs fuel crime" - El Paso Times

Posted by Duckrunner in Rant at 14:56 | Comment (1) | Trackbacks (0)

Last modified on 2008-08-18 21:38

Tuesday, August 12. 2008

The Underground Showlist - August 11 Edition

We present to you the World Famous Underground
Showlist - your guide to all the top shows and events in the Paso del
Norte region. Thanks to Nic for putting the guide together and
constantly supporting the local scene. Check out her site at www.myspace.com/hole_in_the_ground . Add her as a friend and drop her a line.

THE UNDERGROUND SHOWLIST

Here's the showlist featuring shows from July and beyond.

ONE WITH THE UNDERGROUND

SEND ME SHOWS. INFO.UPDATES.anything.

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raw .

REACT.RESPOND.
REPOST
PLZ SPREAD THE WORD.

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my focus is the underground community…
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>FILL ME IN if you eyeball typos.

SUGGESTIONS grandly WELCOME.

>>check it out: EP MUSIC GENE
http://epmusicgene. com/

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: : :SHOWLIST: : :
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1914
115 durango suite a
915.544.4191
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-

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ABRAHAM CHAVEZ THEATRE
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THURS SEPT 25
-beck
-mgmt

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BOMBARDIERS
109 e. castello
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SAT AUG 16.$7.18+
-radio la chusma
-mr. kali (santa fe)
-sgt. Remo
-the mane st. group

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CHICS
9809 montana
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THURS AUG 14. 8p.$6.21+
-three bad jacks
-straight razor suicide
-low down dirty creeps

SAT AUG 16.$4.21+
ARKHAM GOTH INDUSTRIAL
9TH ANNUAL
The theme for this month’s Arkham will be funeral attire!!
Come celebrate 9 years of death at this months Arkham Goth Night!!
Vail’s, Shrouds,long black dresses, and any other manner of clothing that can be associated with a funeral is encouraged!!

CONTINUE READING FOR THE REST OF THE SHOWLIST

Continue reading "The Underground Showlist - August 11 Edition"

Posted by Duckrunner in Music at 15:44 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Last modified on 2008-08-12 15:51